I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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