My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
