i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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