Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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