I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You need a sexual gate keeper
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
