he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
