update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
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According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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