I could have mohawked her pubes.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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