He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
