If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
