I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
