I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
