I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
