i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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