: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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