I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
