Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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