i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
