remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
