Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
