The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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