There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
