my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize