I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
