Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
