Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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