Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
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