duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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