roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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