I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
