Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
