I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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