Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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