we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.