DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night