My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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