dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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