My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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