I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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