wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.