true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
