She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I want to fling myself into the sun
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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