What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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