she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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