Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think my moral compass just broke
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