One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
that may or may not have been my penis.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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