she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
