2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
