I accidentally had phone sex last night
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
