I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
