Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
