I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
