Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
