nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
