The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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