He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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