Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
