Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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