i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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