im drinking this country out of the recession.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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