I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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