Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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