how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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