My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
