ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
